Keeping the respect, good graces, and patience of your retail service person: A Guide.

I have spent most of my working life in the retail racket. Over all, I like it. But I wanted to share the three things customers do that make me want to go into a blinding hulk-like, table-fliping rage.

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

Kinda like that. These are not specific to any type of store or service. In fact, most are common sense and common curtsey. Yet it is staggering the number of knuckle dragging neanderthals who make an otherwise pleasant job wearisome.

1. Do not summon me with the the “Bring it on” gesture.

If you take nothing else away from this blog, take away this. I AM NOT A HELPER MONKEY. Do not make the Come Get Some gesture to get my attention. You know where you hold out your hand and close your fingers into your palm. Yeah, that. Neo does it in The Matrix. And when you do it, I want to club you and force you to watch Matrix Revolutions. In fact, the less fingers you use, the more I want to break them. Two fingers, like you’re calling a fast ball, is worse then all four, and there is nothing more disrespectful than one finger. (Unless you’re a beautiful woman with a come-hither look in your eyes, then I have some wiggling fingers for you too.) I don’t think I have ever seen anyone do three fingers, but I imaging that would be more weird than rude. It’s my job to help you; eye contact and a hello will work just fine.

2. Rattling the door before we are open.

It’s crazy how many people read the store hours, and then shake the door anyway to see if it’s locked. I want to have the store hours displayed digitally. “Store will open at 9:30” in big red lights. Then anytime some shakes the door, the sign changes to “9:31”… shake shake…. “9:32”. And if we are minute or two behind, don’t you DARE point to your watch. That’s almost as enraging as the finger thing from above, and makes me wish someone would shove unpleasant things into unpleasant holes in your body at unpleasant angles. A lot of customer service people complain about customers hanging around the store for a few minutes after we have closed. It can be a little annoying, but I don’t mind. You’re shopping, we are running a business, and it’s not fair to expect you to be finished what your doing right at closing time. But can you please show us the same courtesy when we’re opening the store.

3. Kowtowing to your shitty kids.

I know selling more stuff is good for business, but I it shakes my faith in the future when I see shitty parents say NO to something their kid wants, then the kid keeps pestering them, and they buckle and buy it for the little brat. GROW A PAIR. You are responsible for teaching this kid more than just how to tie their shoes and not get into black windowless vans with strangers. Teach them the value of a dollar. I would bet the rest of my credit limit that any adult who has crippling credit card debt had parents who gave them whatever the hell they wanted if they asked enough. When you let little Billy bully you into that extra chocolate bar you are destroying the economy 15 years from now.

Bonus irritant – The debit/credit pads are not Rubix cubes!

This one isn’t the worse thing in the world, but it is really annoying and worth mentioning. It’s incredible the number of people who are baffled by the enchanted puzzle boxes of mystery that are debit and credit pin pads. I never want to hear anyone else say “They should be the same everywhere.” THEY ARE. Where you put the chip differs slightly, but they all have the same parts. Take a deep breath, look at it for more then half a second before panicking, and figure it the fuck out. Chip cards have helped though. When you used to have to swipe, I would say to people “Swipe with the stripe towards you.” And a soul crushing number of people would ask “Swipe with the stripe towards you?” Yes, technically that’s what I said, but I meant the you that is you in relation to me, not the you that is me in relation to you. You know… YOU! Once those wireless quick-tap pads catch on, I’m sure someone will find a way to screw them up. They’ll be bashing their cards against the pads like the monkeys in the first scene of 2001 Space Odyssey.  

Headlining a little show called Epic Lulz Monday, February 27th

We’re at it again. Epic Lulz Monday returns this… well Monday, February 27! Jokes, improv and jubilation abound, when host Steve Schulte and headliner Liam Creswick share the stage with some of the funniest comics in Edmonton. It’s the most fun you can have… Downtown, on a Monday, for $5, with your pants on.

Show starts at 9 pm. Join us won’t you?

An Open Letter to Cineplex Entertainment and movie theatres the world over.

How much extra would I have to pay for a movie ticket to not have to sit through commercials?

Seriously, name your price.

I’ll pay it, I swear, because ads are the #1 deterrent for me to visit your theatres.

Whatever you make per person per screen in ad revenue, add it to the cost of the ticket. Because that’s preferable to listening to that Mark Saltzman wiener hawk another tablet device. I am on a date or hanging out with friends, I’d prefer not to have to talk over an obnoxious putz and his menagerie of over priced smart phones.

I understand the film industry (be it theatres, DVD distributors, and the studios themselves) are in a precarious position right now. People are downloading content more and more, legally and illegally, and finding alternate revenue streams is necessary. But I don’t see how irritating your clientele is preferable to expanding your product and service line. I guess offering advertising space is form of expanding your services to corporate clients, but it diminishes your customer’s experience. And without us, Coke and Honda would have no interest in working with you.

You are essentially letting someone come into your theatre and bother your customers. If I walked into your offices and offered you cash to let me grope and fondle movie goers, you would kick me out faster than Harry Potter tickets sell out.

Well I feel like your “pre-show” is molesting me for 20 minutes, and that does not put me in the mood to watch Ghost Rider. I was going to make the analogy that ads are as annoying as seats that shake you violently, but apparently there is a demand for that, so what the hell do I know. But as IMAX, 3D, and whatever you call those vomit inducing wiggle chairs have demonstrated, people will pay a premium for an enhanced experience. Not being pitched to would greatly enhance my movie going experience.

And for the record, I make an point of not paying attention to the ads, (like I do everywhere else I go), so your advertising clients are wasting their time and money. I do it conscientiously, but most people do it unconsciously. And this just forces advertisers to get louder and more obnoxious to get our attention. It’s called Ad Creep, and your not helping.

I also understand some people don’t care as much as I do, but I know other agree. I don’t know how often this comes up in your market research, but I wanted to share my thoughts.

Please consider offering ad-free theatre options. (Movie trailers are one thing, Future Shop spots are another.) I’ll pay the premium because I enjoy going out to the theatre. It’s easier for me to get laid if I take a lady to the theatre than it is to invite her to watch a torrent of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on my laptop. And you are a THEATRE. They don’t pull this shit at the symphony or play house.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Check out my shows for February

Click the Upcoming Shows button on the left! Dates in Edmonton and Calgary, more to come. 

I created r/EdmontonComedy, for, you know... comedy in Edmonton